Depression is really not in fashion. Wellness is. As a collective we consider sad to be unwanted, unproductive, unsexy, and individually we fear it because of its unknown. How big is it and how long will it stay? Its cause is unchartered and its treatment is unexplored. As we get older we come to realize that happy places and happy faces do not make it go away and it turns into a shade of numb.
I take Happy very seriously. I always have. I was born happy and since a child I have felt this unruly right to my happiness and if there is anything getting in the way of me feeling it, I figure a way back to it. I drop everything until I do because I am aware that if I am doing something in an unhappy state of mind, it winds up in vain. If I can get happy first and then do that thing, it will give back to me ten fold.
I am sharing this because as a society we are afraid of depression. It is uncomfortable to talk about with our kids, our friends, and our parents because we really have no way of knowing what one person is going through emotionally, chemically, or psychically. We want to make blanket statements about the treatment. I even find myself now as I am writing this struggling to not make a declaration that will make this a cohesive blog. Our minds naturally want to find order within things that are disorderly and depression is disorderly. It is different every single day for every single person.
When a patient walks in for Acupuncture or Theta Healing, they usually come in with a secondary symptom caused by a bigger problem. I have two really important jobs in a session. One is to be clear with them about what is really going on and secondly, to tell them that they are going to be ok. When the issue is brought up the person is usually racked with fear. They don't want to talk about it, they don't want to deal with it, they don't want to know about it. They only want to talk about the shoulder that hurts. I don't mind when people get angry with me for making them look at the thing that is wreaking havoc on their body. I am used to it. But it makes me wonder here, why do we as humans tend to avoid the things that cause all the pain?
Because we think it is too big, too scary, and too overwhelming for us to deal with. If we acknowledge we are unhappy will we have to completely restructure our lives? If we acknowledge out anger we will have to confront the people that have hurt us or that we love? It is far easier to keep these things to ourselves, uncovered, until the day we die, right? It is far better for everyone involved if we deal with our issues in the middle of the night while the rest of the world sleeps, right? It can't hurt anyone that way, right?
Wrong. Big time wrong. It is hurting you. And your loved ones because you are not bringing your truth forward and being WHO YOU ARE.
Recently I found myself in a place of numbness. I wasn't excited about work and there were so many reasons to be excited. I wasn't motivated to do anything and there was plenty of things that I normally enjoy doing. I was clocking in and clocking out each day looking forward to my sleep. This was devastating to me. I didn't know what was wrong with me and hardly had the energy to care. I was depressed about being depressed.
And then a dear friend that knows me some days better than myself, stayed with me for a couple of days and watched the whole thing without saying anything. When she left she left me a note and it said- "Just feel it my dear. I see you." I knew what she was talking about but I avoided the subject for a couple of more days. Then one night when I was finally fed up with being completely numb to everything, I put on my music. I let the music bring it out of me. There were tears, there was dancing, there were fists of anger, more tears, and it was only a couple of minutes before I started to feel RELIEF. I was feeling my feelings. Anger, sadness, pain, confusion, and the sense of not knowing what to do in a situation that has no good way out. I was dancing and crying to a solutionless scenario but it no longer had any power. I was draining all the power out of it. When I got tired I got into bed and went to sleep.
The next day I woke up and my vigor for life was there to meet me. Had I woken up to the solution to the situation? No. But I had woken up to my power. My knowing that I would be capable to feel the truth of the matter without having to numb out.
The truth is, sad can't kill you but the fear of sad can. Meaning, the activities that we do in order to not feel the sadness or pain is what winds up harming us the most. The drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, the over-eating to feel full and not the pain, the not eating is to punish ourselves for the pain, the cigarettes to calm the pain, the cutting to distract the pain, the self hatred to fix the pain, the instagram scrolling to search for a feeling of anything other than my own pain. These are all coping mechanisms or distractions but they do not fix or heal any aspect of the pain.
The only way to dismantle a feeling is to feel it. When you avoid a feeling, you empower it. When a negative feeling is empowered, it can grow and morph into other feelings that aren't necessarily true. A feeling of rejection can turn drastically into a sense of hopelessness, desperation, destitution, shame, etc. People say, the truth hurts. My take is, the truth can hurt but it can also heal. When you're dealing with the truth instead of the myriad of negative spinoffs that the mind creates, you have a fighting chance to disempower it and find your way back to neutral state of mind.
If you have been feeling numb inside, unexcited about your life or your future, there is probably something you have been avoiding. It is dormant and it is waiting for you and while it waits it is wreaking havoc inside. Your body is probably taking the brunt of your patterns whether it is is over-working out, starving yourself, over eating, excessive drinking, smoking weed, taking pills, or physically harming yourself. When you reach the breaking point and want to feel more than numb, surround yourself with the people and the memories that are important to you. Remind yourself of your dreams: of where you wanted to go of and of who you wanted to be. When you feel strong and maybe angry that you aren't there at the moment, turn the music up and let your feelings come to the surface. Let them be unruly. Trust that on the other side of your pain is your pleasure. If you never let the pain out, you will never feel the pleasure. #YouAreEnough